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Not in my best of shoes today

It's funny how some things just seem to creep in when you least expect them to. And it's not such a big deal anyway, but I am still not all comfortable with myself for the past few days. It hit me while listening to the radio as Igor and I were going to Graz (to get some nespresso capsules) and then further on to easy afternoon/evening in the spa (with the cute, young thing on my finger included).

There was an interview with a guy who is flight controller. And he was explaining that they are accepting only people who are in their early 20's.
He said: "After 30, human body and mind are no longer capable handling the stress of the job. And what those young people achieve in their career by the time they're 30, that's what they have. Later on it's just experience. Older controllers never achieve anything significant".

I am 37 and still feel like I am functioning.

But then the roller coaster went off....... 

I gave up hopes for the only job that would've probably made my working years seem a dream years ago. But it's still somewhere deep within. And what I do now - even though I do enjoy it - is just a compromise. It's just work.
And when I go out dancing or when I am playing badminton or doing some other sports, it becomes abundantly clear that it is experience that does a lot of work, body doesn't seem to cooperate that well anymore. And I am 37, goddamit.
I am not really good with my money and sometimes - especially at 37 - it can become tiring. But... that's very likely not to change. Luckily, my job does bring me decent money.
And I will never be 25 again and my cards won't be laid in front of me on the table. Never again.

I know it sounds boring and I know I will lick myself out if it in a couple of days, but it's here now. All around me.

So, my life philosophy remains the same: Do all you can to enjoy life. There are no reexaminations. And I don't want to see many unticked boxes when it's "ciao bello" time.

This is probably too long and too boring to read, but I had to spit it out. Guess that's my LJ rain check I took a while ago.

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Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
amznbert
Mar. 4th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
wow i have never heard of that much crap in my life..the human body is way capable of handling huge amounts of stress no matter what age you are. To give up on dreams and hopes because of a person(s) opinions is just sad. If people thought like this all the time then there would be no one going back to school after the age of 30..ohh lets see some would say being a political leader is stressful ohh wait you cant be untill after your 30 here in the US..well no wonder there are so many screw ups then huh?
paterson_si
Mar. 4th, 2008 09:45 pm (UTC)
I know (I hope) it's a bunch of nonsense, but it kinda hit me anyway. :)

And yes... screwups happen.
cornekopia
Mar. 4th, 2008 10:06 pm (UTC)
I know how you feel. On the one hand, 50 is the new 30. On the other hand, trust no one over 28.

The only comfort is that at 43 I'm finally starting to forget what 18 even felt like. Yay amnesia!
paterson_si
Mar. 4th, 2008 10:10 pm (UTC)
that'a a very positive way to look at it. need to work on that a bit more :))))
use2bshy
Mar. 4th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
lets hope the next day or so pass quickly
paterson_si
Mar. 5th, 2008 07:15 am (UTC)
oh, so do I, trust me :)

*hugs back*
jawnbc
Mar. 5th, 2008 04:37 am (UTC)
Life is all about compromises if one wishes to be an adult. Balance between a livelihood and passions. Ensuring one has the resources one needs to pursue the meaning in it all.

My career the last 15 years has been a compromise. It came out of hating a decade-long career. I love teaching, enjoy (some) writing, and all things considered it's fine.

My energies are in my relationships.

Examine your soul and made some decisions. You're educated, in a great country with a great man as a partner. You have choices.

And you are loved!
jawnbc
Mar. 5th, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
And I started my PhD at 35...and finished it at 38. Faster than most 28 year olds.

So fuck that asshat!
paterson_si
Mar. 5th, 2008 07:19 am (UTC)
but it still hurts LOL
paterson_si
Mar. 5th, 2008 07:18 am (UTC)
"my energies are in my relationships" - exactly - this is one firm thing in my life and compared to that all other things seem minor. and so will this tiny moddy moment.

And you are loved, too, DrE! :)
coryblank
Mar. 5th, 2008 05:39 am (UTC)
I appreciate your life philosophy, Tomaz.
paterson_si
Mar. 5th, 2008 07:19 am (UTC)
it works at times :)
mitjablazic
Mar. 8th, 2008 01:31 pm (UTC)
o... o... it's crisis time ... I am 33 and I am having some moments like that. Thinking about what I had achieved and where am I regarding my dreams. I think those dark and critical thoughts (if not exaggerated) combined with fears help us getting the picture, to gather our energies and strength to focus on realizing our dreams. As you have noticed I pretty changed my lifestyle in the last year, and I am keeping changing it. “Do all you can to enjoy life.” seems the right thing to do. So keep reflecting on your life.
paterson_si
Mar. 9th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC)
ok ok ok

so I'll just focus on the essentials :)

*hugs*
jeremymlad
Mar. 8th, 2008 05:25 pm (UTC)
That's crap. People are as useful and as competent as they TRY to be, and that dude's thinking is going to limit him throughout his life. He'll find himself over 30 in the near future, and he'll be the only one responsible for what he can and cannot do.

You have three major things going for you that will always keep you relevant - 1. being gay gives you a different perspective on life, however slight, from the rest of the world. You and me, I think we're predisposed to out-of-the-box thinking, and ordinary people *have* to value that because they can't really do it. 2. You're Slovene, so you're automatically magic. And 3. You have the eye of an artist, as evidenced by your magnificent photography - that's something you will carry through your whole life, unless you yourself decide to discard it.

What a shortsighted person who doesn't know how to use words. How dare he say something like that where decent people can hear! What a bedak who speaks bedarija!

Edited at 2008-03-08 05:26 pm (UTC)
paterson_si
Mar. 9th, 2008 07:08 pm (UTC)
I know all that.... and I am really thankful for your words.... but it still hit me

and luckily it's all over now :)

*kiss*
tkn1114
Jan. 10th, 2010 11:50 pm (UTC)
a note for you whom I love
you're lucky there are sensible people here who care enough to set you straight. So I DON'T HAVE TO! *SLAP*

But I will... LOL

That air controller is a good example of why people are often "boxed in" in Europe while many - but, granted, not all - people in America are not.

AGE IS NOTHING BUT A MENTAL BOX. Enough said.

I command you to find the time to return to and nurture your dreams, and make some of them come true, if not all of them.

Routine is dead life. Safe life is fear of life.

I have always been lucky to do what I want to do. But that has not always come without a price. Still I forge on. Quitting is not an option. Stop dreaming is dying inside. NO WAY.

I have taken time off to study theatre/playwriting. I've completed my degree. Now, on to production. But, in the process, I discovered filmmaking which can be extremely useful for my ishop and design work = I can film my collections and post them in my ishop => I don't have to do physical shows anymore if I don't want to! YES! That is progress.

At 50:
. I'm launching my ishop
. I'm working on premiering one of my plays
. I'm re-shooting a short film I did in class professionally to submit to festivals
. It takes me longer to warm up at the gym. But once I'm warmed up = get out of my way!

O, not only is it not anywhere near over, baby, it's only beginning!

So there!

You draw beautifully. You copied Matisse like a Chinese pro LOL Do something original so we can sell on my ishop?
You have a great eye for aesthetics. This gift screams out of your photographs and whatever artwork you've shown. Do something with all of this!

There is a lot of gift in you, Tomaz.

You can sit and waste it away, or you can do something with it. It's up to you.

But age has never been and never will be an excuse. NO.

XO

paterson_si
Jan. 12th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
Re: a note for you whom I love
Ok, I have to agree that the day I posted this was probably cause by a very strange combination of mood/constellation/work/you name it. I am not usually like that. Generally, I really like and enjoy my life. I try to live it to the full and to the max, given some rather objective circumstances, of course. And I don't really care about my age. I feel comfortable in my own skin and that's about it.

Talent and expressing and all. I guess I always felt that urge to create something. And I'll keep on doing it. Probably even take it to some more intense level, because my life is good now, meaning I don't have to worry about any extra affairs, like work, colleagues, money, things like that.

And I will be more original, promise. :)

And NO, age is never an excuse, but since I am a very typical Gemini, it seems to be a shelter for some rainy days. That's how it is. :)
tkn1114
Jan. 13th, 2010 08:02 am (UTC)
Re: a note for you whom I love
Ok, so we're talking about you anymore, but further conversation. Ok?...

I didn't use to think this, but I don't think "the good life" prompts people to do their best work - their edgiest.

Maybe I've lived in the US for too long?

Speaking for myself:
. The only thing I never wanted to end up being is a person with time and money... and no purpose.

Granted, to each his own. If people are happy where they are, what's the problem. Right?

But all you have to do is look around - esp. in the US - where there are so many people who are financially secure and, yet, they say their lives are empty. They're unhappy. They're bored. They complain all the time. They want to be "entertained" all the time. There is no inclination for creativity on their part.

Why is that?

Further, they can't free themselves from the prison of fear. I don't want to be like that. I have fears, and worries - O, believe me! But I don't want to be afraid that way.

. Although nothing is without exception, at least in the American context, I think being "too comfortable" is not a place where people are usually most creative.

There's a guy on LJ who said that when he's happy is when he creates his best work. At the beginning, I was fascinated by his work. There was passion and talent there. But when the novelty wore off, I didn't think the work was "all that". It's still charming. But it's definitely not "all that".

Here's the kicker: I hope I'm wrong, but I think he gave up. In so many words, he said he got bored and discouraged because his work was not critically received.

So what distinguishes a committed artist from an artistically inclined amateur? That the committed artist is compelled to create what he feels is important to him no matter what the sacrifice? No matter if he has an audience or not? Whereas the artistically inclined amateur not only has no such urge for commitment, he often wants/expects fame and applause when he sets out to do something? To be a star. For notoriety?

A lot of stars in America are often driven by fame and fortune first, not by artistic commitment first. The result? Look at American culture. Pessimistically, I'd say it's crap. Optimistically, I'd say it's not all bad. But it's not all that, either.

What say you?

:-.)

paterson_si
Jan. 14th, 2010 12:13 am (UTC)
Re: a note for you whom I love
Ok, so let's deal with ME first. I know how I am. When I am in some sort of trouble, I tend to deal with it all first. I need to have my mind free and clear to come up with stuff I want to make. Stuff that's hidden somewhere else in times of trouble. I guess I will never be a true artist, because - basically - don't believe in rolling in pain to give birth to something meaningful or pretty or arty. But that's probably because I never felt any urge to actually create/achieve something with the stuff that blurted out of my head or hands. It was just another means of expressing, just trying if I can do it. And it's funny. I never really wanted to be competitive.

A few days ago I showed those slideshows and some pictures to colleagues at work. One my colleagues is a really passionate photographer. She and her husband do photo-safaris all over the world and I have to say she is also quite good, but I always saw her pics as slightly too sterile. Too clinically perfect. Anyway, that's not the point. She was looking at my pics and she said I really should partake in some tenders or competitions. I don't see much sense in that. I told her that my pictures are just the images of the world as I see it and that I never really thought about making a statement out of it all. Even though my "work" is out there, it's still pretty intimate.

So where do I stand in your discussion about (non)artists?

Yes, it was just about me. As always. LOL

:)
tkn1114
Jan. 14th, 2010 04:19 am (UTC)
perspective, part 1
The commitment to one's art I'm talking about has nothing to do with competition but with standards and a discipline that's required for all work which people have no problem doing for "paid" work - whatever that may be, but not always for artistic expression. (Unless you're an artist who wants to be taken seriously and get paid!). That's why I've chosen design over fine arts to make a living in.

You have to sell design which is a stricter discipline. You can say "Fuck you! I don't care!" if people don't like your art.

inspiration and direction - which don't have to be mutually exclusive: You know there's is a difference between inspiration which happens when you "feel like it", and direction which is "an intentional development of artistic insight and craft", right? This is true for everything: music, performance, fine arts, design, architecture... The difference between a professional and an amateur is that a professional can produce in a consistent level of quality or level of performance when called for, and an amateur cannot necessarily do so.

Iow, it takes a lot of hard work to make an artistic vision or potential into an actual product.

You said you took some 160 pix of some of your art nudes to come up with 1 or 2 good ones, and thousands of pix in Egypt... right? So what propelled you to do that? Vanity or commitment to perfection? Or to put it another way: Is a certain standard you impose on yourself vanity or discipline? The latter is professionalism.

If we do a shoot or make a film, we will follow through to come up with the best results possible, or would we stop because we are suddenly bored? This is the kind of commitment I'm talking about - not competition or anything like that.

So, I hope that's clear on artistic commitment?


paterson_si
Jan. 14th, 2010 12:09 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
Ok, maybe some 160 pics of nudes were sort of vanity, but maybe also not. I wanted to give those pictures sort of the edge. I surely didn't want them to venture into cheap teasing of porn, I just wanted them to look like nudes with some taste. And, yes, because I was on them, I also wanted me to look kinda decent, not like a strander whale or summink. LOL Egypt, 2000... There was so much beauty around me I wanted it to look beautiful not only in my head, but also on pics. So, yes, I guess it was following some standards.

And I am sure we both will try to get the best we can out of the material we'll be working on. Or you will be working on. ;)

Commitment is clear to me now.
tkn1114
Jan. 14th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
The art nudes (which is what I'd like to call the pix you've done so far, because that is what they are: ART nudes) are the kind of pix I would put in a photography book to be published and sold. The work deserves that. So, that's what I want to develop further with you, as one project. The fashion stuff is a different project, some of which can go into the book if they fit the context. Let's achieve these goals already, and we can see more... Ok?

These pix are completely different than a series of pix of butts and assholes a friend on my friends list recently posted. He's a really cool guy with reliable taste, so I'm sure he did it in a tongue-and-cheek way to "shock and awe" people, and comments were pouring in - duh!

But they did NOTHING for me. None whatsoever. It's like BMB: Here is a pile of flesh! Like it? Comment. "OoOOh-AaaAAAH!" comment galore follows. That's great. But that's NOT what I want to do - whatsoever.

CRITIQUE: I'll tell you 2 of my favorites of the pix you've done so far and why, although I don't believe in explanation because when art has to explain, it's weak. It needs to reach out and touch - and that's it. No explanation should be necessary. Because when you die, you're not gonna be there to explain your art! lOL It needs to stand on its own - forever.

. The welcoming hand: the pubes can be detected, but they're not clear. That is plain brilliant! You can see that the person is nude, but there's an invitation to more. To what is up to the individual viewer: which means you've achieved your goal in that composition!
. In contrast, the frontal nudity that was my BD present :-0.) = It's the pose. It's frontal, big and raw and hairy which are the obvious. But if it's sexual, it is also sensual. It's everything but porn, even if there's a pornographic element there if people want to see that. It's "David" (in Florence), except that it's hairy = revolution!
. I like 1 pix in the Sleepy White series. There's not enough of that out there. I have a few ideas to bring out the sensuality of TC's sexuality which is very special beyond the context of TC. We should be able to say: "Here is a perspective on masculine sensuality that is not of the traditional "little angel boy" variety, or the smooth and muscularly flawless but soulless GQ icon. It is a sensuality in men that has always been there, but has never been promoted, until now".
. Look at the Japanese: They are always sensual, regardless of whether they're sexual, in serious bondage, humorous/tongue-and-cheek, or whatever... There's always a dialogue. Not just "Plop! Here's my flesh. Duh!".

You know how to portray yourself (and others) in a complimentary way. This "eye" for aesthetics can't be taught. I want that. So no, it shouldn't be MY project(s) but OURS. You're responsible, too! :-.0)

BTW: Look at the cum-on-boot pix I just reposted from jeffbriggs. I love that pix! Rohert Mapplethorpist. Whatever. No explanation necessary. But it's amazing how powerful and full of dialogue a pix can be?

There is a fine line between tacky and clever. No? I want to push the envelope and explore that line. Wanna do it with me? I'd love to do it with you!

:-.)
paterson_si
Jan. 14th, 2010 11:55 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
You know what's really interesting? The way you described "the hand" and "the pose" is really, really close to what I wanted to achieve when I was taking them. I "did" a few hands and even more "poses". It was a careful selection. The hand was supposed to give a subtle, yet rather determined invitation, and the pose was just an exercise in being really close to porn, but not stepping over. Hence no face, no welcoming, invitating looks, no obvious smiles. Just a study of a tension.

Yes, I would love to take that road with you. You understand all that.

:-*
tkn1114
Jan. 15th, 2010 04:40 am (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
the pose = Just a study of a tension. - Bingo! That's exactly what I saw.

the hand - If I see what you want to communicate in that pix, then we're done! We're on the same page. We got it.

Do you have access to a lot of gay literature and/or "art" books there? There is a gazillion of them here. But guess what? Nothing is like what we want to do. It's a bunch of lame excuses for bullshit porn, with very few exceptions. I grant that sometimes the guy is so beautiful that that's all that matters. But they don't take it any further than that! I don't just want to do nude pix. We should mix them. Everything from close-ups to a style of dress to a nude state to a semi-erection to cum shots. Yes! Art should never be sterile! Art is always sensual and sexy = full of life! But nudity has to make sense. Why is it there? How does it fit in the narrative? The series of pix we do should tell a story. Who is this person? He is beautiful. OK. But what else is there? What is he doing in this story? Why are he and the story appealing? People should fall in love with the book like a novel, not just get excited. And we have to use photographs to tell this story. I can write the text - no problem. But do you see what I mean? There has to be a narrative. The last time somebody did this was Bruce Weber in the 80's. He went on to do a bunch of stuff for GQ and, particularly, L'UOMO VOGUE. The pix are legendary. They make you study them in photography classes @ FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) here in NY.

I hate doing nudity because it's gay! I have a friend in SF who's a filmmaker: David Lewis. Great guy! I love him to death. His 1st film was Under One Roof = no comment :-0.) When I saw it, I had to ask "Yo! Why is this nudity in this segment? What does it have to do with what's going on?". And he said "Hey, it's a gay flick. It needs nudity, or it won't sell.". OK. FOR US: NO. OK? Everything has to make sense, else it's not there. Agreed?

Bruce Weber, being a bear himself, had a fixation for young hairless studs! :-0.) We are going to un-do that trend.

Enough said.

Let's do it this year. In 2, 3 months, I will also see much better my situation here with the ishop. So, by the time you're more ready to do this, I will be, too. The timing sounds perfect!

OK?

HUG!

paterson_si
Jan. 15th, 2010 12:57 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
Yes, art/gay/photography books are widely available here. And I agree with you. Many, many of them play the very obvious cart, which might be arousing with the first browsing, but then it wears out, because it simply lacks layers of "story". So, yes, we should do some thinking first and then let those creative juices flow.

Gay stuff needs nudity or it won't sell. Sad, but probably true. I once had this idea of making a gay film, but to use a totally "normal" story. Don't get me wrong with "normal" here. I wanted to make gay life as common and as everyday as every other form of human interaction. Who knows, maybe, one day.........

OK! :)

HUGS
tkn1114
Jan. 15th, 2010 05:29 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
Can you send me some links to bookstores or venues where gay literature and art books are available in Slovenia? I want to see what's going on there. Post them here in this conversation or via e-mail. Thanks!

I'm sure Bruno Gmunder rules there? Is taste more German or Italian there? Do they like blonds more than brunettes? Italy loves blondes! :-0.) I remember the Scandinavians ruled there in the 80's. It's still like that in many ways, and I'm sure it won't change anytime soon. There is a longing to be blond in Italy - lol

Gay films: It's not true that nudity has to be in gay films in order for them to sell. Big Eden is the latest example of a great story that's gay. The hunk in it took off his shirt one time to make the point of the protagonist's long time lust for him. But that's it. Their kiss was not the main event. The rest of the movie is story-story-story and how it's told. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! It's genuinely American, beautifully told, and gay. Torch Song Trilogy is another gay film with little nudity in it. So is Boys in the Band. I grant that these 2 films are older movies. But they are great films forever, and that's what I want to make: Art with lasting value.

Maurice is a non-American gay movie that has little nudity in it. But it's a beautiful gay film.

There is not a lot of nudity in my plays. Whatever there is serves the scene. It's a flirt to entice the audience. Not pander to porn. Nudity is effective when it's a flirt that makes people want more. It's banal when it's just... there. But we understand that already. Don't we? :-;0)
paterson_si
Jan. 16th, 2010 01:57 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
I will prepare an email with all the info. Once I finish the research. :)

And, yes, we do understand it all. :)

HUGS
tkn1114
Jan. 16th, 2010 07:09 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
Roger. Await your mail. Hvala.

Take your time to do thorough research. Write it in the e-mail I sent you last night. Thanks!

XO
paterson_si
Jan. 18th, 2010 12:19 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 1
Will do. :)
tkn1114
Jan. 14th, 2010 04:28 am (UTC)
perspective, part 2
Now, a different topic: When it comes to commercial endeavors, there's difference between our friends going "Oooh-Aaahh!" over our work, and complete strangers who actually want to buy it. Agreed?

While financial success is not the ultimate test of something's worth, a work that's actually bought has a concrete value. I grant that its worth and sellability can be inflated by marketing... but that's another discussion.

I realize this is a paradox between art and design (which is creative commerce). Art doesn't have to sell. Design does.

My goal is to create a product(s) that is a mix of both artistic expression (first) and sellability (same or second) - but A MIX, nevertheless. NOT the ignorance of one or the other. I want to make a product(s) that a/ says something I feel is worth saying and b/ people can relate to and want to buy it.

This said, this is where I stand on my current endeavors:

. I have to sell my clothes. BUT, I'm working toward allowing myself the luxury to make something I think is beautiful but may not be a big commercial success.
. I'm working to get my plays produced and I don't care if they are big commercial successes or not. I want them to be. But if they're not, so be it. Because the plays are more than art. Some are political statements.
. If I do a photography book with you, I would want it to be a commercial success. But if it's not, I'm fine with it as long as we believe in what we create and stand behind it.

Does all this answer your question(s)? I realize I may sound self-contradicting to some people. But the luxury to be that is what I'm working toward: to be able to do something to make a living and not apologize. And to do something non-commercial and not apologize.

I don't ever want to say anything about my life that "this is just a job", or "this sells". So far, I have been able to say in commercial design as well as in art: "This is what I believe in. When it sells = great! If it doesn't sell as well as I would like, I'll find a way to make it sell better." AND, finally, "I don't care if this sells. I want it out there because I believe it's that important!".

Is it all about me? You tell me. Am I arrogant in my drive for expression which I feel requires discipline in order to achieve? Some people think I am. But those who know what it takes don't think so. Because, more often than not, it takes more than desire and vanity to create something of lasting value.


PS: Yes, it was just about me. As always. LOL - That's why LJ loves you!

... But will they pay for it is another story? Which we say we don't care... right now. Yes? :-0.)

Cucbi, cuchi, Aye Yaye! :-0.)





paterson_si
Jan. 14th, 2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
I don't ever want to say anything about my life that "this is just a job", or "this sells". So far, I have been able to say in commercial design as well as in art: "This is what I believe in. When it sells = great! If it doesn't sell as well as I would like, I'll find a way to make it sell better." AND, finally, "I don't care if this sells. I want it out there because I believe it's that important!

I want to get to this point one day..........

KISS :)
tkn1114
Jan. 14th, 2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
I'd love to be there at that point with you. I have achieved this with other people in the past. It would make our history book that much more special?

So, are we good? More or less on the same page?
paterson_si
Jan. 14th, 2010 11:42 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
Very on the same page, I'd say. :)
tkn1114
Jan. 15th, 2010 04:45 am (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
Great! I can't wait to make it happen with you!
paterson_si
Jan. 15th, 2010 12:57 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
It just needs to.
tkn1114
Jan. 15th, 2010 04:57 pm (UTC)
Re: perspective, part 2
OK.


But I still don't see your name on those shoes? ;-/
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